Teenage girls told to ‘hide in lofts’ to avoid Justin Bieber

Teenage girls across Europe have today been warned to go into hiding to protect themselves from the increasingly sinister threat posed by pop star Justin Bieber. Critics of the 19-year-old Canadian, who has embarked on a campaign to cause offence throughout Europe, say he has already committed a number of atrocities to record and fear the situation could escalate.
‘He has come to Europe to hold these massive rallies and whip his fans up into a frenzy,’ said one outraged internet commenter. ‘Frankly, we’ve seen this sort of thing before and it doesn’t end well. Don’t be surprised if his next tour date is in Poland.’
Observers of Bieber are now insisting that only in a shut-off space without access to the outside world will teenage girls be safe from his pernicious influence. ‘It’s a cult of the personality,’ said BieberHater15 on Facebook. ‘He’s promoting this warped view of the world, and his followers even call themselves ‘Beliebers’. In all the propaganda he’s even photographed delivering his trademark V-sign to the following paparazzi. Trust me, it will end in bloodshed.’
British anti-Bieberites are now concerned that after conquering fans across Europe, the teenage pop sensation may try to bring his entourage across the channel and invade Britain. But they have pledged to continue their resistance. ‘We will criticise him on the beaches, we will criticise him on the landing grounds, we will criticise him on Twitter and on the internet. We shall never surrender our right to be affronted.’
‘But if he does come here, I hope he signs the visitor book. I’ll get a fortune for it on eBay.’
kijiweni bongo by paul koka